Seven days. Five explanations. Nobody responsible.
Excuse Of The Week
Security Told Me Not To Attend
Nigel Farage failed to appear at the count for the Clacton by-election he had personally caused.
His absence was attributed to a security warning. Police reportedly denied advising him not to attend, leaving the warning without an identifiable author but with a very grateful recipient.
Lionel’s Ruling: An excuse with everything: urgency, mystery and the considerable advantage of being denied by the people supposedly responsible for it.
Monday 10 August
It’s A Pile-On
Kemi Badenoch defended the appointment of Joshua Bonehill-Paine, a former neo-Nazi previously convicted of racially aggravated harassment, to a Conservative advisory role.
Questions about his suitability were dismissed as a “pile-on”, the modern political term for several people noticing the same dreadful decision at once.
Lionel’s Ruling: Criticism becomes bullying when the politician being criticised runs out of answers.
Tuesday 11 August
There Was No Feasible Way—Until There Was
Downing Street initially said there was no feasible way to prevent certain serious offenders from qualifying for early release.
Following public criticism, Andy Burnham announced that he was increasingly confident a more focused approach could prevent their release after all.
The impossible had become possible overnight without the inconvenience of anybody admitting that the original answer had been wrong.
Lionel’s Ruling: Government feasibility is measured by how many newspapers have placed something on the front page.
Wednesday 12 August
It Was The Barbecues
As extreme heat and wildfires placed emergency services under growing pressure, the government urged retailers to stop selling disposable barbecues.
The climate crisis remained available for questioning but was not considered the principal suspect.
Disposable barbecues were warned that any further incidents could result in their removal from the seasonal aisle.
Lionel’s Ruling: Climate change has been released without charge. Officers believe a foil tray from Tesco acted alone.
Thursday 13 August
The Establishment Is Against Me
Reform’s Warwickshire council leader George Finch defended his first year in office following bullying allegations, conduct investigations and a narrowly survived vote of no confidence.
He argued that the establishment would throw anyone under the bus.
No information was provided about who owned the bus, who was driving it or why it appeared to be making repeated journeys through Warwickshire County Council.
Lionel’s Ruling: One investigation is criticism. Three investigations and a confidence vote apparently constitute public transport.
Friday 14 August
Security Told Me Not To Attend
Nigel Farage won the Clacton by-election but did not attend the count.
The election had been triggered by his own resignation during an investigation into his financial declarations. His victory allowed the parliamentary inquiry to resume.
Clacton therefore finished the week with the same MP, the same investigation and a substantial invoice for counting novelty candidates.
Lionel’s Ruling: The security warning may have come from a specialist organisation known as Nigel Farage.
Saturday 15 August
No Explanation Was Available
Westminster entered the weekend without submitting a fresh excuse.
Officials insisted this did not represent an improvement in standards. Most ministers had simply stopped answering their telephones.
A spokesperson was unavailable to explain why no spokesperson was available.
Lionel’s Ruling: Responsibility was briefly sighted near Whitehall but disappeared when approached by reporters.
Sunday — No Excuse Submitted
Westminster rested.
Several explanations were believed to be undergoing legal checks, focus-group testing and grammatical weakening before publication on Monday.
Normal blame allocation was expected to resume shortly after breakfast.
Final Score
| Result | Recipient | Excuse |
|---|---|---|
| Winner | Nigel Farage | Security |
| Runner-Up | Kemi Badenoch | The pile-on |
| Highly Commended | The Government | Disposable barbecues |
| Special Recognition | George Finch | The establishment |
| Administrative Achievement | Downing Street | It became feasible |
The winner receives the traditional Westminster trophy: a statement expressing complete confidence in somebody who will be gone by Thursday.
Lionel Carter
Beyond Parliament